Conversations With Myself: The Past......

The past. Something that is over. Done and buried. Yet sometimes the past can come back and haunt you. The past can be a series of memories that are happy that you'll always cherish, and sometimes the past can be an absolute nightmare. Reminding you of hurt and pain that you suffered. Stuff that you just want to forgot ever happened. If only the plot devices in movies like "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind" were real. Sadly, you can't just have stuff wiped from your mind. You have to face the good and the bad that came from your past. Deal with things, become stronger, and hopefully a better person. Consider it a learning process. Usually, I do ok with this. That is until stuff begins to throw itself in your face, in the most painful ways. Reminding me of the pain put onto me by others in the past.

I'm not going to name any names or places. Or even any situations. I am just generalizing here. But simply put, sometimes when you think you've forgotten the past, it comes back to bite you. And you have absolutely no control over that. What you do have control over is how you deal with, process, and manage the thoughts and feelings that hound your brain. And sometimes your heart.

Anything can trigger your past. A song, or something you see on TV. It could be something you eat, a smell, or something you find in a box that was long forgotten. No matter what you do, you cannot run from or hide from your past. And why try? Didn't your past bring you to your present? Isn't it your past that made you who you are now? For good or bad. You have to accept that. Right? Yes. Yes you do. Now here's what I will not accept......

I will not accept my past, the bad times, the pain from others, and even those individuals themselves to affect how I live my present life, or even the beautiful future I have coming ahead of me. Harsh words here, but fuck that! I am where I am for a reason, and I am in a great place!

I have my dream job, and work for the greatest employer I could have ever imagined. I have now made countless new friends, and have opened new doors. I have a wonderful new home, 2 great kids, and most importantly my beautiful and absolutely amazing fiance! My life is taking off to new heights, that before I thought were impossible.

You know what's actually impossible? Having a great present, and amazing future, if you still hang onto or live in the past. So past, in the words of my two close friends, I say this to you: "Go Fuck Yourself!". You will not control me, sway me, or hurt me. Yes you will still pop up on occasion to give me little painful reminders of what was, only for me to say, "Fuck you, look at what I have now! Kiss my ass and move along past, you are no longer wanted here!"

Then and only then will my life continue to be happy, as it has been these past 7 months. The healing can continue. And that's what will happen. Because I said so. Because I'm determined. And because I deserve it.

Past? You're just an ever constant fading memory. Keep fading. Disappear. You don't belong here anymore.

- MvM